anthonymarco.com

lovehate: Olympic Mascots

February 9, 2010 in Uncategorized with Leave a Comment

I don’t quite know what to say.

The traditional concept of a mascot is to be representative of a team or organization. Above all, there is usually something identifiable. Whether it be an animal or mythological figure or paper clip that invades the top of my screen and asks inane questions whenever I cannot figure out how to execute a rarely used function in MS Word… DAMN YOU CLIPPY!

So then how have the mascot for recent Olympic Games become such twisted anime mutations that they make me question how in the hell a creative team found these creatures acceptable much less endearing. I have not done any research into what the mascots are actually supposed to be, thus giving myself a pure guess at the genesis of the creatures.

Here are my deconstructions of the Vancouver 2010 mascots:

Sumi is some sort of crazy mutant BearOwl wearing a Rollerball helmet with three Antichrist horns. His/Her eyes are set apart so far as to wonder how it sees forward. (Such a design decision is part of all of the 2010 mascots) Sumi also wears some kind of jersey/poncho in a funky Dark Green, Lime Green, Orange combination that is a worse look than the Vancouver Canucks mistaken jersey of the 80s. Overall, Sumi is a butchered bastard child of gene grafting.

I’m guessing Quatchi is a Sasquatch, and considering that the creature I’m most sure of is an urban legend, you can tell how far over the cliff we’ve gone here. Coming fully-equipped with Sky Blue earmuffs and crazy ink of the Olympic logos, for some reason he/she is also wearing boots which make Quatchi fairly civilized considering the wild origins of such creatures. Badly in need of a haircut, Quatchi also suffers from lack of elbows and bowed arms.

Miga is either a cat, panda or skunk, or all three together. Equipped with a scarf and all dolled-up with rouge, Miga looks like she/he’s the one to be caught out on the town with a foreign athlete. Decked out in a green scarf suitable for S&M choke play, Miga looks most probable to win the most outstanding supporting mascot in an anime style. Not sure what the crazy Alfalfa cowlick is supposed to represent, but I’m guessing it comes in useful when the Sumi, Quatchi, Miga three way gets going underneath the bleachers pre-opening ceremonies… all I can say is that, if Miga is walking funny during the torch lighting, my views will be justified.

I think that during the preparation for the next Olympics, the world should demand real mascots that represent actual creatures. Maybe we should bring back Spuds Mackenzie and just have the IOC admit that the entire event is really about shilling products and selling television contracts.

Brought to you by the Official Blog of the Vancouver Games… lovehatethings.com

Posted via web from lovehatethings

thinglets: Alternative Superbowl Names So As Not To Get Sued By The NFL

February 7, 2010 in Uncategorized with Leave a Comment

Since the NFL threatens to sue anyone who uses the name “Superbowl” outside of reporting on it as news, I’ve decided to give some alternate monikers for people looking to spice up their local events or eatery promotions:

The Big Game

The Recroom Drunkfest

The Prop Bet Gambler’s Paradise

The Poolie’s Delight

The Game That’s Rarely Good

The Media Blitz

The Super Bowel

The Hope-I-Die-Before-The-Who-Plays-The… forget it.

The Vegetative State Extravaganza

The Six Hour Build Up To A Coin Flip

The Excuse to Party

The Not-Good-Enough-Of-A-Reason-To-Bump-The-Simpsons Bowl

The Overpaid Immature Mutant Game

The Stupidbowl

The Not-Yet-Ready-For-Prime-Time Bowl

The I-Waited-Two-Weeks-For-This? Bowl

The CarQuest International House of Pancakes Geico Bowl

The Beer Commercial Bowl

The Oh-Look-There’s-Counter-Programming-Figure-Skating-On Bowl

The Smoka Bowl

The I-Can’t-Believe-It’s-Not-Better Bowl

The Hey-Look-At-That-Commercial-While-I-Steal-The-Last-Piece-Of-Pizza Bowl

The Are-Those-Really-Bits-and-Bites-I-Haven’t-Seen-Those-For-Years Bowl

The Bathroom-Is-Off-Limits-For-10-Minutes Bowl

The I’ll-Cheer-For-The-Opposite-Team-Of-Everyone-Else-In-The-Room-To-Be-Different-And-Controversial Bowl

The Why-Do-I-Have-To-Watch-Promos-For-Canadian-TV-Shows-And-Miss-The-Commercial-Memes-That-Will-Be-The-Talk-Of-The-Internet-For-The-Next-24-Hours-Thanks-To-The-CRTC Bowl

Posted via web from lovehatethings

thinglets: So You Want Me To Watch The Winter Olympics?

February 5, 2010 in Uncategorized with Leave a Comment

If you want me to watch the Winter Olympics (other than hockey that is), the IOC [International Olympic Corruptco] needs to revamp some of the events to make them more interesting to me. I know that some may argue my modifications may be “guy” things, but ultimately I just need to know there’s a reason why I shouldn’t be watching reruns of governments committee debates instead.

If I’m gonna watch your Olympic thingy, please tag on the following changes:

Ski Jumping… over fire.

Downhill Skiing… in front of an avalanche.

Ice Hockey…okay! You can leave this one alone.

Speed Skating… full contact.

Biathlon… targets include other racers.

Freestyle Skiing… nude.

Luge… with random, intermittent obstacles.

Figure Skating… with trap doors leading to lion pits.

Curling… exploding rocks.

Snowboard…all at the same time.

Cross Country Skiing… across the Biathlon track.

Skeleton… without helmets.

Bobsleigh… rocket powered.

Nordic Combined… naked with Barry White music playing.

Posted via web from lovehatethings

thinglets: Is it better…?

February 4, 2010 in Uncategorized with Leave a Comment

Is it better to do more with less than less with more?

Is it better to eat less of a good thing than more of a bad thing?

Is it better to watch 3 hours of okay television or 15 minutes of great television?

Is it better to write a film sequel that makes hundreds of millions of dollars than an indie film that breaks even?

Is it better to have three fast food coffees over the course of a day or one cup of your favorite Starbucks blend?

Is it better to have an affordable vehicle that you can use all the time or a sports car that you’re afraid to drive in bad weather?

Is it better to believe in your god, your country, your family or yourself?

Is it better to have copyright laws that cover intellectual property for eternity or none at all?

Is it better, on a deserted island, to have the entire Nickelback discography or one song you love?

Is it better to have one slice of great pizza, three slices of good pizza, or five slices of crappy pizza?

Is it better to pack thousands of inferior sounding music on your portable player than less songs is higher quality?

Is it better to read a brilliant two line poem or a pretty good novel?

Is it better to DVR, download, wait to buy the DVD, or give up if you’ve missed your favorite TV show?

Is it better for your hot dog with the works to be without ketchup, mustard, or relish?

Is it better to drink warm good beer than cold bad beer?

Is it better to have a glass of good wine or a bottle of bad wine?

Is it better to be a late adopter of technology at the risk of being uncool or an early adopter of technology at the risk of being broke?

Is it better to have the chocolate 1/3 of the Neapolitan ice cream or the Strawberry and Vanilla 2/3?

Is it better to have 4 second floor toast (butter down) than no toast at all?

Is it better to type five pages or write one?

Is it better to know every lyric to 70’s music or 80’s music?

Is it better to remember the past with reverence or caution?

Is it better to wish success for your friends or wish success for yourself?

Is it better to know what’s better in advance, or discover what’s better along the way?

Is it better to not even consider better and go forward full bore, or consider what’s better before choosing?

Posted via web from lovehatethings

thinglets: Hamilton Senior Captured By US Homeland Security

February 3, 2010 in Uncategorized with Leave a Comment

Here's an example out of the US that is a prime example of why the legal system there is so messed up. A woman from my hometown of Hamilton, Ontario has been detained by US border guards:

Hamilton woman, 74, arrested at border on decades-old drug charge

The Canadian Press

TORONTO — U.S. Customs and Border Protection says a 74-year-old Hamilton woman has been arrested on a drug warrant issued nearly 30 years ago in New York.

CBP says officers arrested Homenella Cole on Tuesday as she arrived at the Lewiston-Queenston border crossing in Lewiston, N.Y.

Officials say Cole was at the bridge to apply for a criminal waiver that would allow her to enter the U.S. as a visitor.

A warrant was issued on April 1, 1980, by the New York City Police Department charging Cole with possession with the intent to distribute marijuana.

Cole was arrested on the outstanding warrant and is in the custody of the New York State Police pending extradition to New York City.

Beyond your personal beliefs on marijuana, and beyond your beliefs on whether age should have played a part in pardoning this woman, how can a country in deficit justify paying the cost of a) incarcerating a women, b) providing transportation to New York City, c) providing a public defender, d) holding a trial on a 30 year old charge of possession with intent?

This is so messed up. I can only guess that a government that is so pre-occupied with prosecuting international terrorists will certainly publish a banner headline about their capture and lockup of this international "terrorist". You know she was up to causing trouble as she promptly reported to immigration, without trying to sneak across, and apply for a pardon.

"How many condemnations I have witnessed more criminal than the crime!" - Michel de Montaigne

Posted via email from lovehatethings

Podcast 123 – What’s So Funny About Grease, Blood, and Countermanding?

February 2, 2010 in Uncategorized with Leave a Comment

Podcast 123 – What’s So Funny by Anthony Marco
Download now or listen on posterous

lhtpod123.mp3 (11134 KB)

Perpetuating new levels of idiocy in ranting about "Tasting the Awesome", being duped by "Officiality", renaming the "iPad" into something more realistic, and how James Earl Jones scared the shit out of me as a child, long before he was ever the voice of Vader.

Plus this is episode 123, which carries the numerological value of 6, which is the number Patrick McGoohan's character was in the Prisoner when he heard "I am Number Two", and he asked "Who is Number One"… I am sooo tasting the awesome right now.

Posted via email from lovehatethings

lovehate: The Alphabet by James Earl Jones

February 1, 2010 in Uncategorized with Leave a Comment

I have no idea why, but this clip of James Earl Jones reciting the alphabet used to scare the living shit out of me as a 3 year old. I used to running out of the room screaming. So I decided to return to the fears of my youth and do some intricate deconstruction as to why a young Canadian boy who watched Sesame Street 3 hours a day would have such a reaction.

Theory One:

The Helvetica font was far too angular and stern for a young tyke. Where was the Comic Sans of the late 60s? I don't want a letter "A" I could impale myself on. I think kids need a serif once in a while.

Theory Two:

Although the film wouldn't come out for several years, I had already anticipated that this voice was the voice that would make a galaxy tremble and threaten the extinction of the Jedi Knights. I mean, it looks like he's wearing an outfit that could be reminiscent of Dark Side devotee… either that or Steve Jobs, which is scary in itself.

Theory Three:

James Earl Jones seriously looks like he wants to beat the shit out of me. Not you, but just me. In between the letters, he actually told me so. I swear that when I was 3, I heard: "A… hey Anthony… B… I'm coming by your house… C… and I'm gonna kick your ass… D… and steal all your toys… E… and, by the way… F… Santa and the Easter Bunny aren't real…" You get the picture.

I'm not sure which of the theories is true, if not all three. All I know is that I'm putting together a class action suit against The Children's Television Workshop. I'm naming Mr. Hooper, Bert, the Estate of Jim Henson, and Count von Count specifically in the suit. Not for any particular reason, other than I hope to get an offer of settlement so I don't have to waste all my money on legal fees.

If anyone would like to join my class action suit, and contribute to the legal fund, please feel free to contact me by giving me your information in the comments below. Please do not use capital letters as they still kind of freak me out.

Mr. Jones, I hold no ill contempt against you. You were only being the professional actor you were paid to be. When I find the name of the director, however, vengeance will be mine as I tie them down and make them listen to Rosie Perez read them all of the Inuit words for snow.

Posted via email from lovehatethings

thinglets: Tasting the Awesome!

January 30, 2010 in Uncategorized with Leave a Comment

I don't know that, if I was every the owner of a major restaurant chain, I would ever want to ask my customers to come and "Taste the Awesome". If I'm offering something for a limited time, does that mean that the awesome hasn't existed in my eateries before, and that soon it won't anymore.

If the former, I would think it may a slap in the face to my loyal customers who have been frequenting the establishments for years, sucking down greaseball chunks of cow carcass adorned with "American" cheese that is far more suited to being garish than garnish. It's giving the ultimate FU! to all the fine folks who've been telling their friends for years how "awesome" my restaurant was and then pulling out the rug of sinewy lettuce and watching them fall on the ketchup-stained floor while I sit back in some corporate office with my feet up on a desk adorned with a WalMart frame containing a holiday portrait of my wife and 1.8 children wearing clothes from the GAP and Old Navy laughing gleefully to myself watching porn on the web after office hours thinking of drinking myself into a stupor and taking a long walk off a short overpass.

If the latter, it's a flailing testament to your organization's lack of ability to conceive of anything to capture the hearts and minds of the shuffling automatons that are one thread removed from just repeatedly bumping into the plate glass like a moth to a porch light until they summon up millennia of evolutionary Jungian percepts to grasp the handle of the door and pull while you raise a cold Miller Genuine Daft with your marketing team at putting another one over on the folks who thought that your regular burger/double burger/double cheeseburger/quarter pounder with cheese/triple cheeseburger and applewood smoked bacon artery hardening confection wasn't good enough… of course it wasn't good enough. If it was good enough, there would be no room for awesome.

But it's only for a limited time! Crap! You mean I'll never be able to savour the bourbon soaked ketchup sauce and sponge-nion rings that make up this colossus of awesomeness? I better hop in practical yet affordable sports utility vehicle and buy one of these right away, because someday when I write my novel, I'll never be able to complete this chapter on my life unless I can say I tasted the awesome. In fact, that's what I'm going to name that chapter of the autobiography. It's going rest somewhere between "Where's the Beef" and "Two All Beef Patties, Special Sauce, Lettuce, Cheese, Pickles, Onions on a Sesame Seed Bun". The title of the entire book will be called Had it MY Way! I'll be the most awesomest writer in the world!

Posted via email from lovehatethings

thinglets: Don’t Ask Don’t K-Tel

January 29, 2010 in Uncategorized with Leave a Comment

Actually, I used to cringe and laugh whenever K-Tel music came on in the 70s and I was in a pretentious music phase, but now I just love the retro warmth and nostalgic glow.

Posted via email from lovehatethings